Cold Feet

It's nearing midnight, 73 days before leaving for Wales. This is THE WORST possible time to get Cold Feet.

I had the horrifying realization that I will be without my main supports, my closest friends, my family, my church, for an entire semester. No movie nights, no vespers, no tickle fights, no silly arguments, no heart-felt conversations that last forever, no rarely-given-which-makes-them-even-more-precious hugs, no hysterical laughter at meals, nothing. I will already have been without the majority of my friends for the summer, one of whom I didn't get to see all last semester either, and another to whom I didn't get to say goodbye before he left.

I.
Am.
Terrified.

Right now, nearing midnight 73 days before I leave, I really, really, REALLY don't want to go. I want everything to remain exactly the way it has been, I want to go back to campus in August and start up the movies, the teasing, the jokes, the laughter, and I don't want it to change. I don't want to leave. I'm scared of having to meet (and get along with) new people, new classes, new professors, new ways of doing things.

I'm going to miss my friends, the ones I can always talk to, the ones I can count on to cheer me up, even when they have no idea I've been feeling down. I'm going to miss the hanging out every Friday night, going to campus activities together, having classes together. I'm going to miss getting online to see if someone else knows what on earth question 7 is actually saying and how we're supposed to answer that.

Sitting here in bed, wanting to throw up or hide under a rock...so this is what cold feet feel like.

Oh God, our protector, behold, and look upon the face of Your annointed. For one day in your courts is better than a thousand; I chose to be an outcast in the house of my God, rather than to dwell in the tents of sinners. For the Lord loves mercy and truth; He will give grace and glory;
The Lord's hand will not remove good things from those who walk in innocence. Oh Lord of hosts, blessed is the man who hopes in You. --Psalm 84:10-13

Lord God, help me not to fall into despair. You who know all things, help me to trust You in the coming months. Lord, I'm scared and I don't know how I'll manage, but there's one thing that I do know - You are here, You are with me, and You will guide and comfort me.

And please help me get to sleep soon so I'm not half asleep in church tomorrow.

--Kae